Tuesday, 7 November 2017

Keep Pushing Forwards

The past few days have been fairly shit if I'm honest. My brother came to London yesterday which was lovely, and I've had some laughs with flatmates but other than that, I feel fairly crap right now. And sorry about the swearing, but I write how I speak and that's the best way I can describe it at this moment.

This week is reading week, meaning I have a week off lectures/ seminars plus my student's union bar where I work is closed, so I have a little bit of a break. However, it being third year, I had an assignment due in today and another logbook thing I am already behind on that I want to work on, plus, you guessed it, reading! So actually, it hasn't been a break yet. On Friday I had the opinion that the next four/five days were going to be very boring, but also very productive. In a sense they were - I got my essay in, and although I don't think it is the best piece of work ever, I think I had some good ideas and hopefully that came across. However, this afternoon I sat down to do my logbook and my motivation honestly just flew straight out the window. I briefly planned my ideas but I could not make myself write down one single word, even with the novel to hand. And now I feel a horrid sense of guilt that I haven't accomplished what I'm supposed to do today and I shouldn't enjoy my evening with friends that I have planned. This guilt isn't healthy, I know that, and my work won't stop my evening with friends tonight but I feel bad and I don't quite know how to explain it. The past few days I've not been feeling 100% either if I'm honest, I just feel a bit groggy with a headache and stomach ache. I don't know. But this is where I try to turn it all around and make myself feel motivated and happy again.

I just watched Lucy Moon's 'When You're not making progress'  video and one little thing that stuck out to me was her motivating words of the fact that you just have to 'keep pushing forwards.' That yeah, you may hit a brick wall in your studies or work but you have to take a breath and eventually break down that wall. Whether it's in half an hour or by tomorrow I cannot not do this work. It has to be done sometime soon if I want a degree and if I want my degree to reflect what I am capable of doing. And once this degree is done I can escape to Australia and forget all my worries (although need to save up that money first, another thing to worry about...!) 

Third year is hard. Reading week is hard. But I really need to see the positive side of things, I'm not a negative person and I really hate it when I am so I need to flip my switch and get my positive pants back on. I am going home on Thursday which can't come soon enough, I can't wait to relax on the sofa with my mum, catch up with my dad and giggle with Madeleine, a break is very much needed! 

Hopefully next time we'll speak to you I'll be more positive! Christina xox 

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