I feel a bit like a fraud to be honest. For the last few weeks I've been meaning to write an update on my novel as, since before the weekend - it was going really well. I had hit some obstacles but had moved over them quickly and had written around 16,000 words. Which in terms of a whole novel, isn't that much, but it seemed like I was getting there. I was writing some really exciting scenes, getting into the characters more and just getting my feel of my book, it's world and it's characters.
Then Sunday came at YALC. I still haven't finished my YALC wrap-up video (another thing on the long list I have to do) and I did have an amazing weekend. I was surrounded by so many inspiring people all different ages. But half of me, especially on Sunday felt a bit, well, pathetic really.
I went to the 'Publishing 101' talk on Sunday which was really interesting. It gave me an insight of how you get your novel published, and all the little steps you have to take - and it's a lot. That didn't really bother me, I knew I had a long way to go before my novel would be finished and it was just useful to get a vague idea of the process I would have to go through eventually.
Then I planned to go to the 'Agent 1-2-1's were you got five minutes to sit down with a literary agent and ask whatever you want. I had always planned to go to this, but an hour or so before I realised I didn't really have any questions - I knew what the basis of my novel was but it is still so much in the early stages that I had nothing. My heart beat rose and I started to feel really quite anxious (not a feeling I really ever get.) So I texted my sister in a panic saying there was no point of me going etc etc and she just told me to stop being silly and just go and talk about my book.
So I did. That was the first time I ever spoke about each of the characters and the world out loud to another person. And it scared me, and almost put me off. Now the literary agent was absolutely lovely, don't get me wrong. She spoke probably about five sentences in between me rambling and those five sentences completely threw me. It got me questioning the whole world I've created.
Fast forward to today, Thursday, after a few days of putting of writing and the glaring target of 25,000 words by Sunday I decided to sit down and write. With the aim to try and re-evaluate my world and to try and adapt something it. I opened up my document and only 10,000 words were there. I've looked everywhere but I've lost the last 6,000 words I've written and that has killed me.
I didn't write the last 6,000 words chronologically. As I wrote snippets edited in between the words I've already written.
I just feel like I should give up.
And I know I shouldn't. I know this is supposed to be hard. I know it is not easy.
But I just feel a bit lost in my story now. I have less faith in myself as a writer and world builder. And I just feel a bit of a fraud, when I mention to people 'Oh, I'm writing a novel' - but am I when I've only got
16,000 10,000 words? Not really.
I'm not fishing for compliments or motivational comments here at all. I want to showcase the ups and downs of this process. Last week I was very positive about it, this week - all I want to do is close the laptop.
Hopefully next time I'll see you with a more positive post, sorry about that! Christina x
(Also I'm aware this photo has nothing to do with this post but I just found it from two years ago and loved it.)