What I've learnt about friendships

This year I have learnt how to let go of one-sided friendships. I’ve had lots of different conversations with some of my university friends recently about friendships and what we should do when a friendship isn’t equal, or doesn’t make you happy. Now, I’ve had quite a bumpy ride with friends and friendship groups my whole life really, all I ever wanted to do was please my friends, but sometimes life happens or personality’s clash. Eventually I realised that a friendship needs to be equal and I like to think I’ve learnt what it takes to maintain good relationships with the people who you value the most (obviously I’m only 21 and I am well aware that I don’t know everything about life, but I wanted to share my thoughts of friendship as I move into a different chapter in my life). 

With most of my friendships throughout my life I have been the one who organises things – whether it is an activity or what film we are going to watch. I have a side of me that needs to be in control and organised, and this has flowed into my friendships. However, I’ve found that with me taking control in organising things, sometimes friends stop trying and just wait for me to organise when we meet up, and it hit me in the past six months that I’m fed up of being the only one who ever suggests to do something (which I therefore feel like I’m the only one making an effort in the friendship.) For example, there have been moments in my long term friendships when I decided I’m not going to be the person who texts first, I’m going to wait until they message me, but in reality, that experiment actually is quite sad and has gone with me not speaking to that person for a month or so, then finally giving in and texting with a passive aggressive ‘we haven’t spoken in so long!’ Some of those friendships have continued but others just haven’t; not because something happened, but I gave up trying to push for a friendship that wasn’t natural, or two-sided. Other friendships survive on a text every month, but those are the people who although I don’t speak to them everyday, I just know that they are there. All friendships are different, but this is just a trend I’ve noticed.

At university I often became close with someone through an activity – whether that’s because I saw them weekly in a seminar, or through clubs/work - and once that ended I tried to continue the friendship because I genuinely really wanted to, but sometimes people just don’t reciprocate and after a long while, I just stopped trying. And I’m not saying this to paint myself as a great person or anything, maybe I’m a hypocrite and maybe I never tried with a friend and I was the reason we grew apart. But I am just describing what I have noticed over the past year and what I’ve learnt from it: You have to put in effort for a good, balanced friendship.

I’ve never really properly argued or fallen out with anyone, all my friendships just grow apart because of the way life has taken us. In a sense, it almost feels worse. It’s such a horrible sinking feeling when you realise you’ve grown apart from someone you used to speak to everyday. Some friendships withstand distance and can survive on occasional texts, others just can’t, and that’s okay. Every person you’ve had in your life was there for a reason. 

But what I do preach is that if someone wants to be your friend, they will try – they will make time for you, they will text you, they will care about you – and if they don’t, then go and find someone else because everyone is worthy enough to have a best friend that they can text absolutely anything to. 

I have had this blog post written for about two weeks but was actually quite nervous to post it. I’ve always wanted to write more personal posts on my blog, but have been scared with how much to share and conscious of the people in my life. The topic of friendship is something that has grown incredibly interesting and important for me and I just wanted to share my thoughts. I’d love to know anyone else’s thoughts on one-sided friendships and what it takes to maintain a good friendship. Feel free to drop a comment down below, or tweet me your thoughts!

Thanks so much to Nicole for snapping these fab photo's! 

I'm (attempting) to write a novel: part two

I feel a bit like a fraud to be honest. For the last few weeks I've been meaning to write an update on my novel as, since before the weekend - it was going really well. I had hit some obstacles but had moved over them quickly and had written around 16,000 words. Which in terms of a whole novel, isn't that much, but it seemed like I was getting there. I was writing some really exciting scenes, getting into the characters more and just getting my feel of my book, it's world and it's characters.

Then Sunday came at YALC. I still haven't finished my YALC wrap-up video (another thing on the long list I have to do) and I did have an amazing weekend. I was surrounded by so many inspiring people all different ages. But half of me, especially on Sunday felt a bit, well, pathetic really. 

I went to the 'Publishing 101' talk on Sunday which was really interesting. It gave me an insight of how you get your novel published, and all the little steps you have to take - and it's a lot. That didn't really bother me, I knew I had a long way to go before my novel would be finished and it was just useful to get a vague idea of the process I would have to go through eventually. 

Then I planned to go to the 'Agent 1-2-1's were you got five minutes to sit down with a literary agent and ask whatever you want. I had always planned to go to this, but an hour or so before I realised I didn't really have any questions - I knew what the basis of my novel was but it is still so much in the early stages that I had nothing. My heart beat rose and I started to feel really quite anxious (not a feeling I really ever get.) So I texted my sister in a panic saying there was no point of me going etc etc and she just told me to stop being silly and just go and talk about my book.

So I did. That was the first time I ever spoke about each of the characters and the world out loud to another person. And it scared me, and almost put me off. Now the literary agent was absolutely lovely, don't get me wrong. She spoke probably about five sentences in between me rambling and those five sentences completely threw me. It got me questioning the whole world I've created. 

Fast forward to today, Thursday, after a few days of putting of writing and the glaring target of 25,000 words by Sunday I decided to sit down and write. With the aim to try and re-evaluate my world and to try and adapt something it. I opened up my document and only 10,000 words were there. I've looked everywhere but I've lost the last 6,000 words I've written and that has killed me. 

I didn't write the last 6,000 words chronologically. As I wrote snippets edited in between the words I've already written. 

I just feel like I should give up. 

And I know I shouldn't. I know this is supposed to be hard. I know it is not easy. 

But I just feel a bit lost in my story now. I have less faith in myself as a writer and world builder. And I just feel a bit of a fraud, when I mention to people 'Oh, I'm writing a novel' - but am I when I've only got 16,000  10,000 words? Not really.

I'm not fishing for compliments or motivational comments here at all. I want to showcase the ups and downs of this process. Last week I was very positive about it, this week - all I want to do is close the laptop.

Hopefully next time I'll see you with a more positive post, sorry about that! Christina x

(Also I'm aware this photo has nothing to do with this post but I just found it from two years ago and loved it.)

The Time is Now

Once again I disappeared off the face of the earth from this blog. But, I seriously do not know how?! I came to my computer today thinking 'Oh, I better get writing my July wrap-up' - HOW WAS MY JUNE WRAP-UP MY LAST POST?

Seriously. Yeah I was busy in July - I was working plus I wrote a fair amount for my novel (that's a whole other story) but I'm quite baffled if I'm honest with how my blogging game just flopped but I'm back (for the moment..)

So I have just come back from YALC this past weekend, and have started writing this blog post for a break in-between editing my YALC wrap-up video (on which I spoke solidly for 45 minutes, so it's a long task.) A part of me wants to chat about the weekend and all the in's and out's of my amazing weekend, but I am going to save that for a post with the video. Now I just want to chat about life, because I haven't done that in a while on this blog and I suddenly feel the need to.

I am nearly three quarters of the way through my summer holidays, I finished exams on the 16th May and go back to Uni around the 20th September, I came back home from London early June and to be honest, I didn't think I would feel as comfortable as I do now.

This summer has been a dream so far. I've been on holiday, I've worked and I've read. When I initially thought about coming home, I didn't really want to. I wanted to spend time with my family and I looked forward to seeing my home friends, but I didn't want to leave Uni. Uni feels like your own bubble, and I didn't want that to pop. 

Looking back I feel like the first few weeks at home before and after I went to Croatia all I was thinking about was September - my new modules, my new house and my new job. But since mid-July when I started working at a box office assistant for a festival I found myself getting back into a routine. I was starting to feel comfortable, I was spending a lot of time with my mum and seeing friends and it just felt, well, normal. 

In my head, I didn't know where my home was. I love my small little village but compared to the bright lights of London, it seemed sad to return to for three months. But a month in I realised that this will always be my home. And yes, of course I knew that before, but home sometimes isn't a place - it is a person. It is that person, or group of people that you feel comfortable and content with. Whether that be my family or my uni friends, I have somewhere to escape and I have somewhere to come home to.

I'm so excited to go back to university in September, but as my summer is over half way gone, I want it to slow down - I want to spend more time with my family, more time with my friends and want to make my way through a massive 'To Be Read' pile before I start my university reading!

I think it's a common thing to live for the future - always looking forward to Friday, to the next holiday or even next year. Sometimes you just need to have a reality check, and remember this is your life, and you should make the most of each day and live in the present. You can't change the past or the future, but you can live now - just live in the moment and maybe time will end up doing what you want it to do.

Hope your having a good week, keep an eye out for my July wrap-up and YALC talk! Christina x

I'm (attempting) to write a novel!

This is quite a daunting post to it publish, but here we go. About a month ago I woke up from a dream and couldn't shake off the feeling that the dream was real. I got thinking about it, and suddenly in my mind I'd come up with a dystopian world and a skeleton of a novel. And that's where my idea for my own novel came from. 

Now I'm no professional writer or anything but I have said for the past two years or so how I'd love to write a book, but now I've finally decided the time is now. I don't know if it's very good- it probably isn't - but this summer I'm focusing on building the world and the characters in depth, and plan to just write - not caring how bad or how good it is, but just get the words onto paper and see where it takes me. And I thought, why not keep my blog up to date on where my novel is going and how the process is for me? So here we go, here is my first instalment of 'Writing with Christina' - I'll probably update it once every two or three weeks this summer (kind of inspired by this series of videos by Christine Riccio.)
I'm going to be very vague about the actual characters/ plot of this book, so this series may not be interesting, but you never know!

World building and character profiles 

My inspiration for my book came from my dream. In my head I had the main two characters and where they were going, but I needed to create the world. This came fairly easy, I started taking messy scribbly notes about the plot, once I'd got the idea of having three main characters - two females and one male, I started figuring out the world. It is a type of dystopian book, which obviously means a complicated world accompanies it, this was so fun to create and imagine. I tried to put a little spin on it, and at the moment as a base to my novel, it works well (in my opinion.)

From here I started writing, I started with an epilogue which flew out of me so quickly and got me very excited to write. However then about 2,000 words in I hit a wall, I wasn't too sure of my characters and their personality. I realised I needed to differentiate between them and make each individual different. So I set out to make character profiles. I've found it hard, with two main female characters, to differ between the two. Now I've finished the narrator's character profile and can see a precise difference between the two. Whilst creating this world/characters I have started an inspiration board on Pinterest. Cassandra Clare (author of the Mortal Instruments and the Shadowhunter world) often does this for her books and I can really see how it helps. It helps vision characters and settings. Here's a link to my pinterest board - you can see the names and overall themes of the novel if you fancy.
I've got three main characters, and having been questioning whether to write the novel from three different point of view's which is something I'm going to decide next week, once I've got all three of their character profiles done.

This is quite scary to shout to the world that I'm writing a novel. There is a slim chance anyone will ever read it (apart from maybe my family) but I wanted, for my blog and for myself, to create a document of my journey, struggles and positives of this huge task! Hope you've had a good week, Christina x

Why Girl Squads are Important

Empowered women, empower women.

There has been a lot of media speculation the past year about ‘Girls Squads’ and whether they empower women or just exclude them. Obviously I know everyone has different opinions and experiences about this subject but I wanted to discuss what I think, and how that has changed since going to university.

I saw a quote the other day that said ‘Girls compete with each other, Women empower each other’ and it got me thinking about my experience with groups of girls and how in the past two years, I have come to appreciate the strong independent women I surround myself with.

Although I’ve loved finding a new group of friends this year I want to take a moment and appreciate my old friends. I remember back when I was 15 (I don’t understand how that is four years ago) I wanted to be in a friendship group with guys, I created a perfect picture in my head and at that time, I don’t think I appreciated my group of girls as much as I should have. However I’ve now come to realise how amazing that group of girls are. We spent seven years together and made so many memories that it’s hard to remember all of them. The great thing is that although we don’t see each other everyday like we used to, we know we are always there for each other. Our teenage years are some of our hardest but I did it with this great group of girls by my side. Yeah, we went through a lot of stupid little fights, but we came out the other side. I am so excited to go on holiday with them all for a week at the end of June, I can’t wait to make new memories and catch up on the past year.

Sports – Dancing and Cheerleading has always played a huge part in my life, and most of the time it was the people surrounding me that made it so great. My Cheer team this year, Destiny, was a huge part of making me realise how strong women can be. I was in an all-girl team, meaning we didn’t have the natural strength that men normally bring to cheer, it meant we had to work out butts off to score high. We fought hard for our right to be on the mat, we overcame obstacles, we powered through pain and but we became stronger because of it. We lifted each other up, mentally and physically, and we rocked the floor. When I danced we would also normally be just girls (sometimes with one or two guys) and we could create something beautiful, something so serene and gentle. I spent years dancing next to my best friends and once again, although I don't see or speak to them everyday they still inspire me in many ways. Both Cheerleading and Dancing taught me strength in different ways, and its the fact that when you perform, your surrounded by a group of girls who you know are going to catch you if you fall, which makes it great.

Going to university this year taught me a lot of things and the ‘Cheer Senoritas’ were a huge part of that. Now, I’m still not 100% sure why we call ourselves that, it’s just the name of our group message that has stuck. They taught me to be comfortable in my own skin. They taught me that you don’t have to wear a full face of make-up every time you go out. They taught me that it’s okay to be fully interested and passionate in what you are studying. They taught me it’s okay to have strong views or opinions. They taught me that it is okay for you to do what you need to do. We are all different, none of us have the exact same personality, but that is what makes a group special. We appreciate one another and lift up each other, we boost each others confidence when we need it most, but are also there to comfort each other through the hard and stressful moments.

We all accept each other for who we are and somehow we all just fit together like pieces in a puzzle. I am eternally grateful to find these girls this year, and I know, whatever next year throws at us that we will all still be there for each other.

  

I know this blog post is a bit random, and technically is just me talking about how much I love my friends, but I wanted to highlight that ‘Girl Squads’ are good. Yes, people can be bitchy but, that's just a fact of life. I wanted to highlight the positive aspects of them and take a second to appreciate these women.  

As a group of girls or women we have the power to support someone. We can show them that we are always there for them no matter what. We can believe in them to chase their dreams. We can be inspired and motivated by their achievements. We can boost someones confidence with just one single complement. A single person has the ability to comfort someone when they are crying, but a group gives that person someone to lean on at all hours. Be that person, be in that group of inspiring women and be that inspiring woman. Groups of women or girls shouldn't be intimidating or scary, they should be full of laughter and smiles that radiate friendliness and inclusiveness. I've learnt a lot the past two years, but the most valuable thing I've learnt is how important it is to have a group of friends who you can lean on!

Hope this hasn't been too much of a ramble! And you all have a good start to the week, Christina x

Why I always still be a bit of a countryside girl

There will always be something of a country girl in me. 

However much I love London, and I do, I really really do, coming home for Christmas reminded me that I will always have a special place in my heart for views of the countryside. Outside my childhood bedroom stands Ivinghoe Beacon, a relatively big hill that has an imprint of a lion drawn in sand, even though I’ve been on hundred of hideously cold and long walks up throughout my nineteen years, I think it’s as you spend time away from things you realise how precious they really are. Looking from my window you just see rows and rows of fields before the beacon, sometimes they have hay bails in, sometimes cows (you just don’t want the cows to come into your garden, that’s a whole other story…) but it’s peaceful, unmoving and still at all times. At night I can peek out my curtain and most often see the moon and the stars.

I still can’t quite comprehend the infinite number of stars that are in the sky every night. Everytime I look at stars, I feel a sense of calm rush over me. I know that whatever happens, if you just look up, the stars will always be there to welcome. On a clear night in the countryside the stars are crystal clear, and that’s what I miss when being in London, always being able to see the stars.

Even the most annoying things I’ve grown to almost love – the birds tweeting early in the morning, the horrid smell of cow manure, the awkward moments in the village pub when you pretend to know everybody but in reality know one other person who isn’t your family.

Sure, when I’m here I get annoyed about a bunch of things - living so far away from friends, not having the tube ( or any public transport) in walking distance and being away from the hustle and bustle of the city. But coming back home after three months has made me realise that this is home. That, however happy I feel when I look out my window in London and see Canary Wharf, a part of me will always love the quiet and remote feeling you have when you live in a tiny countryside village.

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Finding my way

I’ve recently found myself asking what do I want my blog to be about?

And the answer is – anything and everything that interests me. I want to write about my world, the thoughts that are scattered around my messy brain, the places I like the most, the books I enjoy reading, my friends, my feelings. It’s hard to know how much you should put on the Internet, in a way I want my blog to be more of a personal journal, but I’m aware that it can only be so personal with everyone and anyone able to read it. But I’ve grown since I started writing this blog four years ago. I love fashion, and I love fashion blogging but if I’m honest, my passions have grown with me. Fashion blogging and outfit posts will always be close to my heart as that’s what started my blogging journey off but, things can change.

If someone asked me what I wanted to do with my life one or two years ago I would say be a fashion journalist without hesitation. However in the past six months or so I’ve realised that yes, I love fashion, but I wouldn’t say it was my passion. God knows what I’ll do with my life when I graduate in three years but I hope that it is something to do with writing – be it books, magazines, newspapers, even blogging! I love writing about things and that’s the direction I want this blog to develop.

In a way I want to write about books, but my fear is, and always has been is that people know much more than me so what right do I have to comment on a well known book? I’ve come to realise, that as an English literature student – and just as a human, I have every right to comment and have my own opinion on anything. I’m scared at putting my own judgements out there, but if I do eventually write for a living – whether it be any kind of journalist, author or absolutely anything– I need to be confident in myself.

So here it is -  new year, new blog? Not exactly, I’m evolving and growing as a human being and so is my voice and I just want to open this blog up to that change and not feel penned down by the expectations of being a fashion blogger. I’m a blogger, not caged in to one category but just trying to figure my way in the blogging world!

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Reflections on 2015

2015 has been the best year of my life. I finished senior school, said goodbye to my dance school, had an amazing summer and started university. As similar to last year's post I’m going to talk through my year and the best parts of it - I know this post is so long but I didn't want to leave anything out, congrats to you if you make it to the end! 

• Back in January 2015 I had one of the best days of my life, my 18^th birthday. Friends and family all came for an afternoon celebration of eating food, drinking wine and catching up. My most memorable moment from that day is my dad’s speech, it just touched me and it’s something I don’t think I’ll ever forget. The next month was dominated by the year 13 ski trip I went on with my friends. I learnt a few things here – I don’t like to ski! I was a novice at skiing and I didn’t take too well to it. Basically, I won’t be skiing anytime soon again. However I did enjoy it! I shared a room with two of my best friends Bryony and Ella and we had some cracking laughs. A couple weeks after we got back Bryony and I had our joint 18^th party which was amazing. It was a smooth sailing party that I think everyone enjoyed - I know I did! 

• From March to May my life was taken up by dance competitions and school work, but that was okay! I knew they both were coming to an end and it was just hitting me. So I tried to enjoy every moment of dancing on stage and sitting in the common room surrounded by my friends!

• May was a weird month. Our last days of school crept up on us, it was such a bittersweet moment. I mean – we were leaving school! What I dreamed off forever, we were moving on, getting on with the rest of our lives, I would have thought I would be buzzing. And I was. But quite a big part of me felt sad. I’ve seen these girls everyday for the past seven years and once the last day of school was over, everything would be different. The last day of school was one of the best days.

• The next few weeks were dominated by exams and dance competitions. Luckily for me I only had 3 exams so had plenty of time to balance everything. Half term was All England Semi- Finals which we went in determined to do our best but thought it was unlikely our dance school would get much through to the finals – however we got 28 dances through in total!! 

• Another of my proudest achievements came in June when Ink, the school magazine that I was Editor in Chief of, won 'Best online magazine' at the shine media awards! I was so proud of our team as we had worked so hard over the past year on Ink and it was something I am so passionate about so to get the award was such an achievement.

• Then some more of my ‘last’ moments came about - In July I went on a girlie holiday to Ayia Napa, had our ‘Final Fling’ (our school’s version of Prom) and my last dance show. All of these have been highlights of my year with so many memories made that it’s hard to recall specifics!

• All England Finals were possibly one of my favourite moments of the year. I danced in five group dances and dancing all of them honestly felt like an honour. To dance next to these girls who I love with all my heart – some of them I’ve been dancing with since I was five – and for the last time was emotional. I knew these were my last moments as being part of LHTS and I tried to savour every minute of it. The fact that we won senior contemporary groups was the glory moment. We won. We were judged to be the best contemporary group in the country, that is crazy, it still hasn’t sunk in if I’m honest! At this moment I was so thankful to be part of this school. I remember driving back in the coach with everyone on the last day and one of the mums saying ‘it’s over’ or something along those lines, and I just burst into tears. The fact that I was leaving the school was hertbreaking and I couldn’t really fathom life without it! (read my post about dancing here)

• But life went on and Madeleine, Matthew and I went to join my mum and dad out in Sicily for the best chilled relaxing week. Although we got stung to death by bugs and had the loudest air conditioning, this week was so nice. Just to have these moments with my family I tried to treasure. I knew that by the time we got home Madeleine would be moving to London and Matthew and I to uni not long after that any moment with the five of us would be scarce, so these were precious!

• When I got back my results of my Alevels finally came through - AAB and off to Queen Mary's. I almost couldn't believe it, the thought of actually moving to London seemed like a dream for so long and all the hard work I put in over the past year paid off. All the blood,sweat and tears were definitely worth it!

• V festival was a weekend of celebrations. I went with two of my friends from dancing, Becky and Emily an stayed in my aunts house with my cousins and met up with Bryony and Ella at the festival. This was such a great weekend as I had my best friends surrounding me and with the knowledge that as soon as we returned Emily would be off to dance college, it was the last hurrah. My best moment was just before Paloma Faith, the last act on the Sunday – Becky, Emily and I went on this rockety roller coaster and were so hyper and giggly that we thought it was the best ride we’d ever been on. It was just one of those moment, you know? That you know you will remember and you know will stand out amongst other big moments. 

• After V life suddenly felt like a waiting game, I was packing everything up, saying goodbye to everyone and having our actual last moments. I had such mixed feelings about leaving, I didn’t want everything to change at all, it scared me, but I was so excited. Forever I’ve been saying I want to leave school and move out of this village, but when the moment came I was scared, excited and nervous all mixed in one.

• Since I started Uni life has been a blur. I love it. I love uni, I’ve found some great friends – through my flat, through my course and through cheerleading. I love living in London, I’m actually living my dream, to be able to just pop on the underground and be in central London in ten minutes is amazing. I like what I’m studying, I’ve found modules I thought would be boring actually really interesting. I’ve struggled with some essays but have spent time on others and it’s paid off. I’ve learnt so much from cheerleading (as you can see here) and already made friends who I can tell will be with me for the long haul.

2015 has been amazing. So many things in my life has changed, but its all been good. I’ve learnt a lot and – as I said last year – Life goes on. I’ve learnt how to enjoy my own company, I’ve learnt time management (or so I like to think) and I think uni has overall made me more confident in myself.  

I haven’t focused all my time onto my blog, but over the past few months my life has been changing so much that my blog hasn’t been my first priority, and that’s okay. You have to live life in the moment and that’s what I’ve been trying to do. I don’t know what life will throw at me the next year but if it is anything like the past year I’m sure it will be just as good. 

I'm going into 2016 with a positive attitude. I really believe if you set your mind to something you can do it. I've got so many things I want to achieve - do well in my first year of uni, progress lots in cheerleading and overall fitness, find a part-time job, focus more time on my blog, travel, and just enjoy life! 

Happy New Year everyone, I hope 2016 is your best year yet. 

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